Phase 3

Hi

Tomorrow I’m going town with my bro (not genetically he’s just my best bud not to brag he’s epic) anyway I told my Dad that I’m meeting fuck loads of people there and we’re going to see some 18 action thriller filled with blood and boobs (which sounds like some fucked up lesbian porn film with self harm and everything else blood like) so he is already pissed off. After I get back I’m gonna tell him “I need to talk to you…(walks into private area) my girlfriend thinks she maybe pregnant…(waits for reaction)” the brackets are stage directions if you didn’t realise then after I drag it out for a bit I’ll say “Dad…Dad it was only a joke…I was just messing with you…(waits for sigh of relief) we’re very careful to use protection.” That way I kill 2 birds with one stone…wait 3 birds: annoying him, revealing I have a girlfriend (I don’t unfortunately…it’s all a lie), and confirming to him subliminally I’m having sex (well not really subliminally kind of obviously saying it to his face, and I’m not having sex by the way also unfortunately).

I’ve came up with a new word/ term NEEK it’s a smarter geek as you should all know geeks are kinda the stupider, less socially awkward, hipster nerds of the interwebs. So I have proposed a new term neek it’s a very smart geek really.

I’ve got tired of waiting for my friend to set me up with someone so I’m just gonna ask this girl out straight up that I’ve wanted to for a while because she is really pretty and one of the nicest people I know but unfortunately I don’t know her very well at all so we’ll see how that goes.

I don’t really have anything else to say apart from my Dad keeps asking me to hide my condoms.

I’ve just given up trying to understand the aaaaawwww from a couple of weeks ago or however long ago it was so yeah to be honest I had forgot about it till now; so thanks for that blogging.

Bye

Thanks for reading

It’s working

Hi

My plan of pissing off my Dad is working but I’ve decided that it may be a bit too far to come out as it makes coming out seem like nothing and not a big deal so that’s off the table I still think it would have pissed him off though.

My condom trap is working he is curtain I’m trying to have sex next is pretend that I’ve got a girlfriend (unfortunately I haven’t) without saying directly to him I’ve got a girlfriend and being “very secretive” about it.

But back to more interesting things I’m turning 16 in less than a month and I’m brewing up some ginger beer to fit with my ginger hair. I’m clearing out my house and having a small ragger out back. I’m trying to find my step sister so I can ask for some cheap ass vodka, Sambuca or some shit and that’s when I gonna make some kickass jello shots hell yeah. I’ll get some of my friends to bring other shit and get my Mum to get some premixed cocktails for the people who don’t like beer or vodka.

Now I just have to clear out my house as it is fucking messy. And try to work out how I’m not gonna invite these guys who I’ve been friends with for years but they’ve either turned into complete dicks and just try to get shit from you (mostly money or legal highs; which I’m trying to get rid of without just putting it in the bin because that shit smells bad and my Mum knows the smell of literally every mind altering substance in existence as she works with a lot of addicts and is helping them get better which is probably why I’m trying to become a psychiatrist as some of the stories are so hilarious and surreal). And the others have fallen out with the friends I’ve known for longer and hang with a hell of a lot more. So that’s gonna be awkward.

On another epic note I have found…wait for it…the easiest way to get a girlfriend in the whole of space and time. It’s almost too simple…find the friend with the most game and is constantly talking to 5 different girls and is reeling in all of them whilst they now about each other. Then you just say…set me up with someone. Is that it?? Yeah pretty much. You have to ask someone you trust or they’ll just take the piss out of you for fuck knows how long. And if you let people know your looking rather than secretly focusing on one person or whatever because then people are loads more open with you. I don’t suggest this for girls as you’ll just get hit on the whole time no matter what you look like. Seriously I know a girl who almost literally everyone hates her guts (I don’t mind her but anyway) because she is so annoying, is constantly seeking attention, is suicidal, and don’t look good (well she’s no Jaba the hut but still) and just after people heard she was looking for a boyfriend after she broke up with some guy who no one even knows exists; guys have been flocking towards her even choosing her over some of the fittest people in the year in a theoretical game (who would you rather x or y type game you know what I’m talking about).

Anyway hopefully that’ll go well.

Bye thanks for reading, and I’m sorry this is badly edited; I wanted to get another post out as you can probably tell I’m pretty busy at the mo and wont be able to for a week or two.

Everyone should do legal?!

Hi

I have decided that everyone thinking about doing drugs should do legal highs because it will scare the shit out of them for the rest of their life so they will never think about doing it seriously again.

The other week I stupidly went into town bought some legal high got someone to roll a joint for me went to an abandoned farm and smoked it with some friends. This is where it all started. I didn’t feel much so was fine with it I felt like when your a bit buzzed after a few drinks but it wore off after like 10 minuets. A few weeks later some friends and I went bike riding in some forest (the guys I thought were going were my smoking buddies; turns out only one of them turned up and my other friend who wont even have a drink if you tortured him). So I decided that lets not let my stash go to waste I’ll roll a quick joint and we’ll be on our way.

When we got to the woods we cycled round a few times. And then I wiped out my joint and said we should light it up (so we did…obviously). The first few seconds were ok but then I could feel it kicking in it was great…for like half a second then shit started slowing down and everything looked like an old 3d movie and my heart was pounding so hard it was more of a tingly numbness instead of a beat. This paired with everything else going slower made it a whole lot worse. I started freaking out at this point which is when I started asking anyone that was there to feel my heart beat and reassure me it was my imagination. It wasn’t, and it started freaking other people out which freaked me out even more. 

This was kind of amplified with a sense of doom coming from seemingly everywhere but turned out to be my mind. I was told if you stay calm everything will be really great and you’ll start to enjoy it…this was a lie. I stayed calm but my heart was still racing, I still kept thinking people were hiding in the trees and could not help thinking it was a dream which made it better at first until I convinced myself that it wasn’t; I would then proceed to forget this think it was a dream and then realise it wasn’t over and over again several times. An hour passed and still I couldn’t move let alone stand up it was like when you have stayed up for days on end and you mentally and physically can’t move but you force yourself to so you can get to bed and sleep properly for the next year; but with all my might and concentration I couldn’t even wiggle my toes or fingers. I asked my friends how long it had been but they varied from 5-40 minuets which turned out were all a lie at it was more like triple what ever they said.

If you don’t think this sounds bad it’s because you have not experienced it and I strongly suggest you do not and just take my word for it that it is the worst feeling you have ever had in your life and will be until you die (I assume I’m not dead yet). To change my first point don’t do legal if you’re thinking about doing drugs just get drunk legally and you should be fine until the liver failure kicks in.

In conclusion I’m glad I did it as now I have a story to scare my kids from trying whatever chemicals they are cooking up in labs to get people high. I think I would have changed my mind if my parents had had this experience before me because all they told me was that my Mum had tried weed and liked it but it is not good for you so don’t and my Dad has done nothing because he is uptight and hasn’t bent any rules ever so you should do the same because he has obviously turned out so well  like his killer attributes: being a control freak, prioritising some of his children over others (even some he does not have any claim to other than partially legally, over the ones he helped create which I have no idea how he did considering how he acts around everything including the thought of people having sex) and him generally being a douchebag to his oldest son ever since he has moved into a house with his new wife (who is now starting to piss me off with all the rules and shit she wants me to go by…seriously the laws of every country combined would be easier to follow without discomfort than this shit).

On a happier but still crappy note I’ve decided I’m gonna push my Dad and step Mum as far as possible and see how they react I’ve started to leave condoms around my room as this will piss him off as he doesn’t like the idea of me having sex, preparing for it or watching porn (condoms are great for wanking; sorry to be so crude but clean up is so much easier with one of those on your nob). I think I’m gonna get him to notice them so much so that he confronts me about them then I will start hiding them get him really start thinking I’m having sex or doing a hell of alot of stroking the salami. I suspect that he doesn’t like gay people being the strict, literal thinking, Christian he is (not all strict, literal thinking, Christians are against gay people and yes I’m Christian but I’m very liberal which also annoys my Dad and step Mum) so I’m gonna come out after the first round of mind fucking and trickery is complete (no I’m not actually gay, will tell the rest of my family it’s not true and don’t want to offend anyone by doing this but as you can probably tell he has pissed me right off and today was the last straw so I’m just trying to push all the right buttons to get him to snap).

I don’t know what I’ll do next but I will be sure to update you as time goes on.

Bye, 

Thanks for reading and sticking with me (sorry about the crap editing today I’m pretty busy with fucking tests today…well this week…to be honest the past few months)!