Newyears

Hi

Sorry that it’s really fucking late but who really gives a shit.

Well after things started looking up, everything went to shit. Let’s start near the beginning shall we. The first few dates seemed to go well  but something seemed odd but I overlooked this as I was still overjoyed that I had plucked up the courage to ask her out plus the fact she said yes (and accounted for it by assuming she was just shy -my first mistake). We planned to meet up before Christmas but with it being the festive season: either she was visiting family or I was. So it was postponed to go to dinner on new years but most people who were going got ill; so I thought it would be nice to just watch films and drink a bit. We were then invited to a house party.

The night went on and a few people were struggling to stand up and the rest were trying to keep them sitting down and stopped them from raping people (not even joking I stopped about 2 people from being raped that night). So everything was covered in sick and no one was enjoying themselves at this point in time; then came the fireworks and things picked up for most people. Not for me my date left me there without saying goodbye 😦

The next day I went to visit my grandparents and we -the girl and I not my grandparents- were arguing over the phone so I was depressed and trying to revise for a few days (not a good combo). Eventually phone issues on both sides ended the conversation and things didn’t look good. By the end of the Christmas holidays she broke up with me, this was bad enough but then one of my best friends came to me to tell me something… my then “girlfriend” (of like an hour) was making out with another of my friends all night and confessed she really fancies him and has done for ages, he said he liked her too, but he said that too literally everyone that night even me. And that’s not then end of it.

So things obviously were really awkward at school, and to this day she hasn’t said a thing to my face and barely hangs around ith our mutual friends if I’m there, she then sent me a message apologising for leading me on. I’m still confused to if that means it still counts as we went out or not but it doesn’t really make any difference does it apart from stopping me contemplating it and reminding me of this shitty time period.

I’ve started working out again which is good. But I have stopped sleeping as well or as heavily, I’ve started cutting again, I have stopped eating or drinking as much which wasn’t enough anyway, and all I can think of is when I can go out and drink and/or smoke. All my school subjects keep piling up more and more work. I have my good days and my bad days but most of them I’m at least a bit depressed.

I made a few changes to how I look but not because that’s what I think was the problem just because I want and need a change -I’m thinking of getting a tongue piercing but don’t have enough money and I’m gonna have to get someone to pretend to be my Dad, he doesn’t want me to get any piercings and my Mum doesn’t want me to get anymore plus they already have my Mums number from past visits. I have started listening to some pretty heavy music most of which is really depressing but it releases a lot of anger.

Shit don’t look good but it can only go up right?? Well…

Bye thanks for reading

Odds ‘n’ Ends

Hi

I don’t know what the fuss about getting people presents is. Films always saying its so hard to buy people presents, but it’s all just a lie isn’t it… it’s easy. Maybe it’s just because I’m pretty camp when I want to be. Seriously I’d be the most stereotypical gay guy known in history. I’d be pretty epic as a gay dude.

I’ve re-thought pissing off my Dad I’m re-trying the pregnant joke. I’ve taken all the condoms out of my room there and then asked if I could take someone to London with us. He’s subtly asking about the girl I was going to invite and wondering where I’m going and who with more than usual… it used to be “you going town… ‘kay… fair enough… for any specific reason… will I have to give anyone a lift back” but now it’s “where are you going… why… how long you gonna be… who’s going… what are you going to do… not going to be any sex (to which I answer yes of course I’m 16 what else would I do, to really piss him off)… why are you going again… do I know who your going with etc. etc.”.

I watched the hunger games 2 catching fire. It was really good not as good as the first which wasn’t as good as the book, this lowers my appreciation of the films but they are all really good they just don’t look great next to each other as the first book is better than the first film which is better than the second film, this could just be a metaphor for the second book not being as good as the first or the eternal rule the second and third films aren’t as good as the first (even though there are so many exceptions) but the 3rd is better than the second. I really need to finish reading he 3rd book before the 3rd -and rumours of 4th film- come out.

Thinking of having another party to celebrate the end of the first term of our last year!!! I’m also trying to get all my friends to get a party sorted for new years -alcohol and fireworks great combo- because I don’t want to sit in the corner drinking 2 beers whilst my Dad and his friends talk and watch the London firework show on the “tele” being really awkward and trying to stay out of the conversation with my childhood girlfriend who for some reason it’s still awkward between us after I “dumped” her years ago (I put dumped in speech marks because we weren’t really going out I was like 9 yeah I really did mean years ago).

Went to London yesterday and went to a gallery where there was a lot of paintings of naked women but looked like primary kids had (children in their first years of education 4-10 years old) painted something they had seen when they had walked in on their Mum and uncle shagging. There was a women by a pool being shagged up the arse and rubbed off whilst a pale man with a purple dick got a blowy from her. There was pictures of little girls (in clothes) next to it which didn’t seem very well placed at all as it was next to these porn paintings. There was this one painting of a sun burnt ginger woman stark naked with beer in hand and drunken man passed out on the floor. Quite a lot of naked pregnant women or naked women with children near on or around them sometimes sucking their nipples but they looked like 9 years old. It was all pretty odd really.

Bye thanks for reading

Misstakes

Hi

I realise now that you should always get to know someone flirt a bit then ask them out rather than what I did- which was just ask someone who was in my friend group but we didn’t really talk much apart from when there was like ten of us there. I did however beat the system it may be harder to get things started this way but I believe that this method bypasses most chances of getting stuck in the friend zone.

By clearly showing your intent from the start verbally rather than beating around the bush and have the chance of it being misread; you can straight away get into things with no awkward “are you going out”, “you should ask her out”, “do you like her” etc. because everyone who inevitably finds out (in my situation I told a friend who told his girlfriend who told everybody, but this didn’t matter because my other friends sister was there and saw us plus a few people from school saw us as well somehow without me realising until they brought it up when we all got bored in English- which is alot of the time since we’ve finished the exams but they don’t want to have a whole half year to have a free period at the same time so they give us fill in lessons of more English despite not needing it) will already know most of those answers and can guess the rest.

Unfortunately this didn’t give us time to get to know each other and leaves alot of awkward gaps which thanks to my overworking Amygdala leads to anxiety over what I should be doing/ not doing. Most people I can read pretty well but this girl somehow defies my ability of people reading. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m nervous or because she has an excellent poker face- that gives me an idea poker sorry you’d have to be inside and outside my brain to get it but basically I feel alot more comfortable around friends so a drunken poker game gives me a perfect opportunity for something pretty irrelevant but not entirely that story is for another time though. Things are on the up for me which I’m quite pleased about especially since how low I had gotten I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but self harm which I didn’t find it helped at all apart from venting my anger but this blog helped alot more for that and for minor depression than anything else I’ve heard of or tried- sorry for the terrible sentence structure there. I’m feeling happy which is a great feeling to feel after along while of occasional good days but mostly ending up on a downward spiral into anger and hatred. 

Also on a good note my Dad is becoming suspicious and attempting to get information about my social/sex life from my mother. The funny thing is he thinks hes found something here after months of me planting things in his brain and he doesn’t think I know that he’s worked anything out. But on a down side my Mum found out about this girl because my brother is a dirty grass. I told him accidentally so then to get me back for pissing him off after he was being a dick he told her. Fortunately she hasn’t told my Dad anything that she shouldn’t have as I have now managed to harness everybody’s full potential in my family to help me annoy my Dad. They are all pawns in my mind game. My Dad hasn’t yet found out anything that I have not wanted him to unless my Mum has turned against me and he is just messing with me to get me back but that doesn’t seem very likely. 

Sorry but my computer is set to a weird setting and I can’t switch it back so I can’t edit this blog post so to explain the first paragraph I made it someone random this is not the case. It just happened to be she was in my friend group and I liked her and thought there was a chance she liked me even if it was just enough to see how things go. She is beautiful and funny and not afraid to do random things like join in singing a song from the best unknown band there is (they’re not that unknown as they are pretty famous across the globe but no-one seems to know them- tenacious D-the song was kickapoo by the way) that was a good day everyone in the entire building could hear us singing there was like 5 or 6 of us doing it at the top of our voices. I know most people sing alot but not at the top of their voices surrounded by judgemental phallus jockeys, well most of them aren’t phallus jockeys I just really wanted to call someone that… no offence was intended. Back from the singing tangent she’s a really nice human being and I hope to get to know her better (not like that you dirty bastards I meant mentally not physically I’m not gonna say I don’t but that’s not the point I’m trying to come off as sweet and thoughtful here).

Bye thanks for reading

Sorry again for the bad editing I can’t change anything without it deleting the next few words as well.

Anal in London tunnel

Found this in the London graffiti tunnel just after I saw a guy throw away half a fucking blunt, wasteful artistic stoners.

A web of misdirection, bullshittery and confusion but in the end overpowering happiness

Hi

The other day i finally plucked the courage up enough to ask out this amazing girl. FFUUCCKK yeah!!!!!!!!!!!! I had been talking to her on facebook for about 2 weeks or less but the conversation was kind of one sided as I probably came off as pretty random just coming out of the blue and starting a conversation. But anyway I just happened to walk home the same way as her one day and just asked her. To my surprise she had a massive smile on her face and said yes. When my shaking nervous freezing cold hands failed me so I couldn’t write her name or number in my phone she offered to help which seems promising that she actually wanted to do this rather than just saying yeah what the hell.

There was some confusion when I told my friends as they thought I asked if she wanted to go out with me but I meant we were going on a date and seeing what happens (wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean… see if she wants to go out in the other meaning, rather than the literal sense- even that seemed to cause some confusion). This then lead to my friend (who said I was like her gay best friend that was straight, and somehow I didn’t give a shit… well it was because I was so excited for this date) saying she thought that~ she said that she thought we were going out in the none literal sense- yeah… try to work that out after only reading it once (“~” showing where the variation in people is situated). This then pushed me into a over eager text trying to find out if this was true without asking if my friend was bullshitting. Anyway after she replied that she wanted to see how things go and work it out later- not in those words- I started to freak out that I had made myself seem desperate and had put her off, after my first conquest to go out with someone which ended badly- if you want to see what happened then go to my older posts. I eventually decided to pull myself together and then I saw her… it was spectacular, not film spectacular but my life has been pretty boring up until this point, I smiled at her and she smiled back. I had found conformation… I hadn’t put her off. And I could relax once again this feeling of great joy that this girl wanted to go on a date with me and I hadn’t fucked it up (yet) came out in as a smile I couldn’t get rid of for the rest of the lesson, so much so my face started to hurt which lead to a headache but I couldn’t careless.

Back to my depressed grumpy rant enthused de-meaner (hopefully I spelt that right) the internet connection sucks, the heating doesn’t work, there are more rules than ever, and I still haven’t got round to decorating my unhealthily red salmon orange coloured room or even got a fucking lock on my door. Plus I’m 16 and don’t have a fucking house key for this place!!!!!!!!!!!! Thankfully my Mum is on my side possibly because she is the favourite parent at the moment and has been for a while. My Dad has gone on another of his no sex, no porn, no drinking, no drugs, condescending righteous religion bull crap speeches- all because my friend sent him a text asking if I could loose my virginity… because “obviously” I would ask him and “obviously” I thought he would actually think about it. I’m still not quite sure if I have lost virginity or not which seems odd because it’s quite a black and white question but in my situation I’m not sure, but that’s another story, and wont be able to get an answer unless I have sex because then I will definitely know unless I get blackout drunk or really stoned again and consequently forget or think I have- stoned story also in an older post.

Back to the speech thing, that was a small tangent in my category of big tangents, he constantly slings some bullshit like he’s looking out for me but I believe there is a hidden agenda he has realised that he has lost all power over me so makes some fucked up rules I’m not going to follow. He would have control if he had something to take from me which he doesn’t or his decisions weren’t so outlandish that I actually had a slight hint of respect for them. I didn’t mind him being overly religious and the furthest from liberal- I kinda forgot the word for that- as long as he kept it to himself, which he didn’t, but know it’s gone too far he has started to believe in this religious healing stuff where they say it’s better to get prayed for and do religious counselling than seeing a psychologist, he went to a talk on it he didn’t seek advice for mental health problems and came across it just to clarify, I understand that yes people like to look to religion for their health but it’s like turning down a boat when your drowning and then wondering why God didn’t help you when you died and him replying I gave you a flipping boat what else did you want. I understand religion can help quite a bit with health issues weather it’s a placebo or not but stopping treatment just out of being difficult and saying we don’t need you we have religion is just plain dumb.

Bye thanks for reading

Going for a curry so no tags or editing today sorry.

Fucking Pissed

Hi

I’m so fucking pissed today the realisation of being 16 not only doesn’t give you shit but takes away very small advantages of being 15. It’s finally sinking in that people don’t take me seriously think I’m worth less than them and think they’re smarter than me – big news you ain’t… I’m as smart as hell bitch.

Unfortunately it’s not jut the people you would think – like teachers people in the street shop keepers etc.- it’s also so my Dad and Step Mum who just rub me up the wrong way and I fucking hate it. That condescending, patronising, didactic tone and yes I know all those words basically mean the same thing in this context. I’ve seriously considered self harming just to get rid of this anger… I’m so angry I’m not even sure if that would help but don’t really care.

The government is fucked in the UK they say anyone can be a politician. But to do that you need a massive amount of people backing you as well as lots of money. None of which most people have. Why do you think almost everybody in the government is in the upper class (different to the US upper class, it’s only lords and what not in the upper class over here)… because it’s basically a capitalistic organisation who control the place so they can redeem tax benefits without getting arrested for it.

There is a great sociology paper that shows how the justice system is set up to show the working class they cannot do illegal things for financial benefit but just slaps the upper class on the wrist for doing it. You will get over double the time in prison for robbing a single house for a few hundred pounds than scamming millions.

Back to myself again I am working on asking out this girl who I have been talking to on FB for about a week now and am contemplating just going guns blazing and going for it or wait and get to know her better first. I keep pussying out. I’ve heard lots of people saying they waited for a while even months just talking before asking them out and that worked for them but I’ve also heard people saying they have talked to them for 2 days before they went out.

Proms coming up but I want to go on an actual date or two with this girl first.

Bye thanks for reading

All nighters

Hi

Today I’m recovering from my first full all nighter rather than until 5AM and then falling asleep for the next three weeks. I went out at about 6 “trick or treating” well we called for some friends and jokingly went to like 2 houses. Then we went to peoples houses to collect some horror films. We watched the films which turned out to be great films with decent story lines not just jumps every once and a while. My friend was shit scared which ended up with her hiding behind my arms to protect her from Samara (guess the film). This all nighter contained no sleep over 10 hours of film and revealing truth or dare and never have I ever sessions. I found after the 3AM hurdle it was extremely easy to stay awake and I can’t get to sleep still (I haven’t slept since 8AM yesterday in this time I have done fuck loads of crap– revision, partying-ish, general fucking around etc.) I feel like I have a mild hang over– slight head ache, feeling sick-ish, light burning eyes and the illusion of skin too (you’ll know what I mean if you have seen a hung over sleep deprived person who hasn’t seen light for over 15 hours).

I had my party the other night it was good not great some people couldn’t drink, stay over, or turned up late and my Mum took the keg I had made up specifically for this after like 2 drinks per person and with my friends 80% of the drink will end up on the floor (from them throwing it, 80% doesn’t include piss and puke) ,which I paid for the next day, there wasn’t much left to drink but I do have like 2 bottles of vodka left for another occasion. We had a impromptu camp fire sing along ,fucked around ,pissed off my Mum ,didn’t sleep much but got a few hours, we played beer pong with chairs and bottle caps because we didn’t have a big enough table or ping pong balls, we played flip cup with a square foot table with 10 people and watched tv.

I am really confused though a friend of mine who flirts with me a lot but has a boyfriend who I’m friends with got really physical the other night.It didn’t just get to there randomly we were just sitting around on couch I was uncomfortably squished in one end so I un lodged my arm and laid it across the back of the couch this evolved into my arm around her and cuddling. This moved to more of a comforting hug… you get the picture, you know where it’s heading I don’t need to explain things for your perverted selves she didn’t mind I didn’t mind… we didn’t do anything involving faces if you know what I mean. But I’m still trying to get over her after I asked her out a while back, I don’t want to break them up as they are great together but people got the wrong idea and I think no am curtain he will hear about this which hopefully he will get the real picture of it just being two friends consoling in a difficult time shall we say (doesn’t sound like what it is but I don’t want to reveal too much) but other people saw this and inferred we were getting it on behind the scenes and making out right in the open. Well it was more of a joke some friends were saying but you know gossip it evolves from a joke to truth to emphasised facts to well know common knowledge set in stone which might have a negative affect on their relationship and our friendship.

There is this on girl I like but I don’t really know her at all, we’ll say hi if we see each other and can hold a conversation if there is other people there. I know she doesn’t look at me in the same way but I’m going to ask her to prom anyway what’s the worst that could happen?? Truthfully she is just beautiful, a nice person, and I’d like to get to know her more if nothing else come from this.

WARNING DON’T USE JUST TO PICK UP GIRLS (OR GUYS) THIS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP

I’ve come up with a hypothesis that hypnosis techniques to gain rapport could be transferred into asking people out. I’m not saying hypnotise people into dating you or giving you their number. I’m talking about NLP techniques to get people to relax around you, trust you, think of you as a friend from the start. This I believe will make it easier to get to know her as you will quickly be close to her and instead of building a friendship and being friend zoned you have the connection already and show you are interested in her… interested in her from the end of the first conversation (I was tempted to write convo I really don’t know why). I’m talking about a pick up line that will top all pick up lines as it is designed to gain peoples trust through your conversational techniques and questions rather than get into her pants quick lines and come off as some cheesy player who wants to fuck and run his way through as many people as possible. This will show you want a friendship as soon as you make conversation rather than just want to talk to her because she’s got an atmospheric ass (yes I’m an ass man everyone with half a brain is) and futterwacken worthy face (Alice in wonderland the creepiest children’s book ever). Just google it I was researching it but I’m finally falling asleep.

Bye thanks for reading sorry for the editing I’m falling asleep here.

Phase 3

Hi

Tomorrow I’m going town with my bro (not genetically he’s just my best bud not to brag he’s epic) anyway I told my Dad that I’m meeting fuck loads of people there and we’re going to see some 18 action thriller filled with blood and boobs (which sounds like some fucked up lesbian porn film with self harm and everything else blood like) so he is already pissed off. After I get back I’m gonna tell him “I need to talk to you…(walks into private area) my girlfriend thinks she maybe pregnant…(waits for reaction)” the brackets are stage directions if you didn’t realise then after I drag it out for a bit I’ll say “Dad…Dad it was only a joke…I was just messing with you…(waits for sigh of relief) we’re very careful to use protection.” That way I kill 2 birds with one stone…wait 3 birds: annoying him, revealing I have a girlfriend (I don’t unfortunately…it’s all a lie), and confirming to him subliminally I’m having sex (well not really subliminally kind of obviously saying it to his face, and I’m not having sex by the way also unfortunately).

I’ve came up with a new word/ term NEEK it’s a smarter geek as you should all know geeks are kinda the stupider, less socially awkward, hipster nerds of the interwebs. So I have proposed a new term neek it’s a very smart geek really.

I’ve got tired of waiting for my friend to set me up with someone so I’m just gonna ask this girl out straight up that I’ve wanted to for a while because she is really pretty and one of the nicest people I know but unfortunately I don’t know her very well at all so we’ll see how that goes.

I don’t really have anything else to say apart from my Dad keeps asking me to hide my condoms.

I’ve just given up trying to understand the aaaaawwww from a couple of weeks ago or however long ago it was so yeah to be honest I had forgot about it till now; so thanks for that blogging.

Bye

Thanks for reading

WTF!!!

Hi

Today is the darkest day of this blog so far (probably…well possibly)!

Today the girl I asked out a while ago, you know the one who said maybe and then I fucked everything up (well if you don’t know that then you should read my other posts, or don’t), she told some girl who I’ve probably talked about before. This in its simplest form is not that bad she could have left it at that, laughed, said why??, said WTF, said well that’s awkward now she has a boyfriend (with whom I’m good friends with), or anything to that effect and pretty much anything else…but no she just went aaaaarrrrrr not the understanding kind, not the pirate kind (which should be written as argh with repetitive letters by the way), or any other kind; the kind which you would say to a cat or a baby who has just learnt who to say Mum or I love you.

It didn’t hit me to start with I just shrugged it off but when I was thinking about it more (like I usually do but have been doing much more systematically and logically ever since I started this blog) I thought to myself…wait…what…the…fuuuuuuuck, that’s not what’s meant to have happen it’s meant to be embarrassing or awkward not cute or adorable or whatever the hell she was thinking when she made that earth shattering sound. I couldn’t of given even the slightest of shits to anything else but this I cringe at the thought.

I’m not sure I have explained well enough I have done my very best to seem datable or whatever else you want to call it but I got effectively laughed into the ground after someone thought I had actually asked someone out. It may have been because she thought I was too shy, not in her (the other girls not the one I asked out) league, thought I am gay, or any number of things; none of which seem to be good unless I was looking for pitty sex which I’m not despite being to be honest pretty desperate unfortunately. I fucking hate this as I have no idea which of the many things that could have caused this and even less of a clue only because I don’t know what the first thing is and the most annoying thing is I could change this around only if I knew why and I can’t just ask her because that would just muck everything more up or would it…I don’t know.

On a funnier note that should be really awkward but I just can’t stop laughing to myself. My Dad (and Mum but that’s a different story) discovered I watch porn so he decided that I should be told about a thing or too because an almost 16 year old kid doesn’t know anything about relationships sex or porn obviously (too be honest I think I probably knew more than he does now when I was about 9). So he went on a righteous strict religious rant that its not right to have sex with people outside of marriage and especially not this young, at this point he then decided to talk about the porn so he practically said ” These days its a lot worse…uh…I mean that’s what I heard…uh…on the news and apparently there’s a lot more abuse towards the women and it objectifies them.” and there’s my brother standing outside the door trying his hardest not to laugh loudly and there’s me trying not to show that I’m laughing on the inside and it’s almost bursting out and thinking to myself, whilst nodding and going yeah, how does it objectify women I have found a new appreciation towards the female body and you might as well of just admitted you watch porn and some doggey shit at that since you were a kid.

Bye thanks for reading

Please give me any advice about the aaaarrrrr thing

 

It’s working

Hi

My plan of pissing off my Dad is working but I’ve decided that it may be a bit too far to come out as it makes coming out seem like nothing and not a big deal so that’s off the table I still think it would have pissed him off though.

My condom trap is working he is curtain I’m trying to have sex next is pretend that I’ve got a girlfriend (unfortunately I haven’t) without saying directly to him I’ve got a girlfriend and being “very secretive” about it.

But back to more interesting things I’m turning 16 in less than a month and I’m brewing up some ginger beer to fit with my ginger hair. I’m clearing out my house and having a small ragger out back. I’m trying to find my step sister so I can ask for some cheap ass vodka, Sambuca or some shit and that’s when I gonna make some kickass jello shots hell yeah. I’ll get some of my friends to bring other shit and get my Mum to get some premixed cocktails for the people who don’t like beer or vodka.

Now I just have to clear out my house as it is fucking messy. And try to work out how I’m not gonna invite these guys who I’ve been friends with for years but they’ve either turned into complete dicks and just try to get shit from you (mostly money or legal highs; which I’m trying to get rid of without just putting it in the bin because that shit smells bad and my Mum knows the smell of literally every mind altering substance in existence as she works with a lot of addicts and is helping them get better which is probably why I’m trying to become a psychiatrist as some of the stories are so hilarious and surreal). And the others have fallen out with the friends I’ve known for longer and hang with a hell of a lot more. So that’s gonna be awkward.

On another epic note I have found…wait for it…the easiest way to get a girlfriend in the whole of space and time. It’s almost too simple…find the friend with the most game and is constantly talking to 5 different girls and is reeling in all of them whilst they now about each other. Then you just say…set me up with someone. Is that it?? Yeah pretty much. You have to ask someone you trust or they’ll just take the piss out of you for fuck knows how long. And if you let people know your looking rather than secretly focusing on one person or whatever because then people are loads more open with you. I don’t suggest this for girls as you’ll just get hit on the whole time no matter what you look like. Seriously I know a girl who almost literally everyone hates her guts (I don’t mind her but anyway) because she is so annoying, is constantly seeking attention, is suicidal, and don’t look good (well she’s no Jaba the hut but still) and just after people heard she was looking for a boyfriend after she broke up with some guy who no one even knows exists; guys have been flocking towards her even choosing her over some of the fittest people in the year in a theoretical game (who would you rather x or y type game you know what I’m talking about).

Anyway hopefully that’ll go well.

Bye thanks for reading, and I’m sorry this is badly edited; I wanted to get another post out as you can probably tell I’m pretty busy at the mo and wont be able to for a week or two.